quiet in the city


mental health.
mental illness has been part of my life since i was about twelve. my own encounters with it and the encounters of people i love have definitely left their marks on the last twelve years, and it isn’t till recently, when i tell people that my best friend is in the psych ward again and they flinch, that i realize it really scares people to talk about being mentally ill.
my first experience with mental illness was my anxiety problems which have been around pretty much ever since i was a child but really began to make their presence known when i hit puberty and started going to middle school. coupled with a heady dose of poor body image, they were pretty inescapable. reading poetry from when i was fifteen and depressed is sad, not just because of the quality of the work (poor) but because i remember how trapped i felt: in my life, in my body, in my head that wouldn’t stop producing these negative thoughts i couldn’t escape. sometimes being a fat teenager feels like living those dreams where you go to class in your underwear. being fat, closeted, depressed and anxious was a lot more than i could take most of the time. i took a year off after highschool that i don’t remember very well because i was so depressed i didn’t exist, spent hours walking in the forest or sleeping in strange places like the bed of my dad’s rarely-used pickup or in the basement on an old couch, not talking to anyone for days and days and wanting very badly to die. this lasted from the time i was fifteen to the time i was twenty-one. the depression slowly left, though i still have days where i can’t move from crying. the anxiety is hanging on, but we’re dealing with detaching it from my head.
the two closest people in my life who have dealt with mental illness are weasel and mallard. if my struggles have seemed difficult, theirs have been monumental. i don’t want to go into a lot of detail because their stories are not mine and the parts i can tell truthfully are only really the parts where our lives have intersected. i’m not even going to talk about mallard here because i don’t know if he would want me to. weasel and i have discussed her life a lot, and i know she is more comfortable with the concept of me discussing her with others, particularly anonymously and with scarce details about her own experiences, relying more on my impressions of what happened.
when weasel and i lived in halifax both of us suffered from our own seperate problems- me from my anxiety, her from her anxiety. i don’t think we had a peaceful two weeks in the two years we lived together. toward the end of our time there, she had what she calls a breakdown. i had never dealt with someone in a state of mania before and had no idea what was going on, how to deal with her violent outbursts, her emotional abuse, her hurt, her hallucinations. our apartment became a place so full of rage and unhappiness and pain i’m still surprised it wasn’t physically evident on the furnishings, the walls, the air inside. it didn’t help that i was convinced i had fallen in love with her and she wanted to get married to her boyfriend, wanted to be with me at the same time. we were confused kids trying to deal with emotions that were much, much too heavy for us to take on alone. it also didn’t help that her boyfriend, d, was severaly anxious to the extent of being almost agoraphobic. sometimes only someone who is as desperate as you can understand you. finally, weasel got into a program at the local hospital and i left halifax as fast as i could. it wasn’t the most helpful thing i could have done, but i was hurting so badly i couldn’t breathe in that city and couldn’t be anywhere near her. we didn’t talk for six months.
over the recent winter break, weasel was hospitalized for her appendix and hasn’t left the hospital since, though she’s changed wards from aftercare to psych. no one can really say why she came back to this, except that she is here again. we’ve had conversations from the depths of her mania and the heights of her clarity over the past month that have left me thinking back to my emotions four (almost five) years ago and my emotions now. it seems selfish, but in order to be the best person i can for her (especially at a distance) i have to know how this is affecting me. am i in a good enough place to support her as she navigates through her bad place?
yes, now i am. when this first happened a few weeks ago, i needed to step back, cry, get angry alone, remember how it felt to be in love with someone who seemed to hate me, remember how emotionally abusive she was, worry. realize i am not that person anymore. realize that she is not that person anymore, either, and that being in a state of mania changes someone. i love her but am not in love with her. i’m happier by far than any other time in my life which means being less of a hinderence (choked with memories and bitterness from before) and more of a help (able to listen, to gently offer suggestions, to advocate for her to her family.)
the point of this all is that mental health is something that isn’t talked about enough. it isn’t. people are really scared to be “crazy” and scared to discuss it. i understand it is something personal, but when we push something into the realm of private it becomes untouchable and in order to recognize the importance of mental health it has to be acknowldged as a community issue. when we ignore it people go undiagnosed, are abused by health practitioners, are abused or murdered by authority, by their famalies, they abuse themselves and others. it’s such an ambiguous subject, such a scary one, that we don’t want to talk about it. i mentioned people physically flinching when i tried to talk to them about weasel and i’m not using that word for the sake of verbal flair- it is a very uncomfortable subject. people are talking about it (for example, one of my friends puts out a zine) but i think we need more discussion, not just psychological talk but actual connections between those of us who have mental health issues and those of us who support people with mental health issues (and i count myself in both categories, i’m sure many others do as well.) it frustrates me, this discomfort and ambivalence i encounter toward mental illness. it is scary, the term “mentally ill” has been used to oppress, lock up and destroy people. but we have to talk. we absolutely have to.
i have mental health issues and i support/love people who have mental health issues. it isn’t shameful, it is what it is- being part of that amazing variety of experience that makes up human identity.


the glass family
November 4, 2009, 11:46 pm
Filed under: a city called montreal, city called halifax, observations

i am at such a loss for a topic, which..four days and already out of ideas? wow.

tomorrow, when i make vegan doughnuts for the person and my roommates, i’ll follow feral geographer‘s suggestion and blog about food. but tonight? tonight i have nothing.

okay, no, that’s not entirely true.

when i lived in halifax, i became obsessed with j.d. salinger’s glass family, specifically seymour glass. i looked around all the used bookstores for “raise high the roofbeams carpenters”; “seymour, an introduction”; “franny and zooey”; and “nine stories.” it was my distraction, i guess, from the grey skies and my deteriorating relationship with weasel. it felt good to hunt the books down, especially going to j.w.d books on barrington, thumbing quietly through the big shelf of paperbacks for the moment when my fingers would pass over his name and i could find a book i didn’t have. it took me about five months to get copies of all the books (and of “catcher in the rye” which i hate but it felt necessary.) seymour was my favorite, tragic, character with buddy as a close second. i disliked zooey and toward franny felt resentful because she was so wishy washy- i preferred boo boo about whom much less information was known.
really, though, what i wanted to do was spend a week with the glass family in the most boring, quiet sense of things. i just wanted to eat breakfast with them and i wanted a stupid (albeit rare) note from seymour written on shirt cardboard about something ridiculously small but significant. finding mentions of the characters in the stories within “nine stories” was like passing a familiar face on the street in a city you have never before visited. i wanted that whole family so badly.
don’t get me wrong, i see the flaws with the characters and with j.d. salinger himself now, several years later when the blind worship and loneliness have worn off. i find a lot of salinger problematic, preachy and sort of lofty- i think there is more holden caufiled in all of salinger’s writing than i’d really like. but i still sort of have a soft spot for seymour and buddy.

recently, i’ve been reading first “nine stories” and now “raise high the roofbeams, carpenters and seymour: an introduction” bit by bit, mostly because it’s so wordy in some parts that the prose aggravates me (paticularly in “seymour: an introduction.”) i realize how much i like “raise high the roofbeams, carpenters.” how good it is to hear buddy’s narration again and how much, sometimes, i miss him.

(you can read it online here, apparently. i have to say, as a warning, it definitely feels like it was written in the 50s.)

and that is, really, all i could think to write about because i was wading through some of “seymour: an introduction” in the bath tonight and was reminded of my infatuation with seymour. i actually had a rat named seymour, a sleek, beautiful, sweet rat who died over a year ago…and the book reminds me of her, too, somehow.



places i have lived

mrs. kim’s: when the weasel and i first moved in together, at ages seventeen (me) and eighteen (her), we shared a dark basement apartment, illegal, beneath mr. and mrs. kim’s house. two bedrooms, bathroom and a kitchen with three windows all about half a foot over our heads. it was dark most of the time, and our lights were flourescents, harsh in the 8-foot ceilings. i had headaches often, hating the flickering bright glare that dominated our rooms. at around the time we moved in, a man was breaking into apartments in the area to watch women sleep. i used to come home from work and check the apartment over, clutching an empty wine bottle at its neck, looking for him. although we lived there for four months, we saw mr. kim only once, when i came home for work to find him fixing our sink, having just wandered in without warning. when we left, mrs. kim stole my favorite sweater and a scarf and refused to give them back.

cogswell st.: the second halifax apartment was weasel’s boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend’s ex-apartment. she kept it dark and it smelled like cat pee. on one wall was a charcoal mural of a cow’s skull and runes, though we never asked her their meaning. it was a one bedroom, cramped and a mistake emotionally, but cheaper and not mrs. kim’s, a distinction we felt was important. it was dually less and more inviting than our old place. one day as i reached down to pull my up underwear while sitting on the toilet, i saw tubular fungus stretching toward me from a moldy spot behind the basin. at that time, stupid enough to disrespect mushrooms, i killed it with spray stain-remover. it wasn’t a shit hole, it felt like a shit hole, but it was alright until our downstairs neighbour came back from vacation (we never could figure out where he would have gone on vacation.) this man hated us passionately and aggressively through the floorboards. we walked too heavily, spoke too loudly, were stupid fucking bitches he would kill at the first opportunity. he would show up outside our front door and scream. dude was huge, heavy muscly arms, long blonde hair like a viking, thick ring in his septum piercing. our landlord made jokes about his death threats and suggested we move out to avoid physical violence. i didn’t know what victim blaming was then, and since weasel and i were having problems, we broke our lease three months early in april and i flew back to the west coast.

the camper: my parents’ house was full of kids (homeless, kicked-out, visiting and both Side A and Side B) the spring i went back home (slightly heart-broken and definitely head-broken) so i moved into a camper-trailer on our neighbour’s land. i decked it out in pirate flags and the kids used to sneak over in the evening and smoke pot at the cramped fold-out table. my bed was inches from the ceiling and the ceiling was full of spiders, which are really the only bugs i have issues with (i don’t kill them.) i used to coccoon myself in a sheet pulled over a rattling old fan until it billowed out like a sail and i slipped into a blissful airy rest. the camper was stifling by the time i went to bed, the metal of its structure having baked everything into a warm haze, but it felt good to be out of the over-crowded house.

the bus: this always makes me sound cooler than i am. the second summer i spent back home on the island, i lived in a white bus on my parents’ land, again because the house was full of kids and my old bedroom had a couple living in it (notably, Side B and her boyfriend at the time.) my favorite home, i fit a single mattress into it and grew plants, kept my clothes in mesh shelves and my books on the built-in counters. my rats lived with me until it grew too hot for them, gnawing everything they could reach. the dog slept with me most of the time, but he was a collie and nervously stared out the windows, barking so frequently that i often wondered what was outside, despite my common sense. but it was beautiful while it lasted.



today i am remembering halifax and writing with my dear friend, the poet, in an upstairs cafe where  sunlight is coming through a tall window and wrapping itself in my hair, through my shirt like water. and then she (the girl) came in and sat beside me and i felt my heart pull a little and all i can remember is the sunshine that filtered through my hair making it bright gold and through it i could see her (i was trying not to look)and we were suddenly in a group of friends, and i looked across at the poet and i think she saw how awkward i felt and smiled encouragingly. i drank my tea and offered the girl beside me a piece of my zucchini muffin, and the sunlight made it feel like our arms were touching, and i thought about her sitting there and felt a blush (or was it heat from the sun) spread across the tops of my cheeks.

and today i’m sitting at my desk (the outline for my english paper beside me like an insistant visitor) and the window is open but everything is grey outside, a cool wind is shaking trees up and down the street. and i am thinking about the hours i was warm in that cafe.




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